My first brush with the pain of loss
I’ll never forget my first real brush with the pain of loss. It was after our fourth IUI failed when my tectonic plates started to rumble. Not quite one year into trying to conceive, things had gone rapidly and not well, and the world was starting to look and feel as never before. Like most of us I had no idea what to “do” with these immeasurable emotions that would come careening in without even a moment’s notice. I had contemplated actually feeling them, a quaint notion for me as back then as I used to refer to myself as “the head”.
So I wasn’t considering really letting it rip for any other reason than the fact I was out of options. When slaughtering emotions presented themselves I had tried every trick in the book applied by those who have no concept – from rationalizing, admonishing myself and everyone’s favorite useless advice, “think about something positive”. And spoiler alert – I couldn’t.
Reluctantly starting to feel
Common sense had informed me that anything that could be done about my “no pregnancy yet situation” I was already doing, and that there was nothing else left to do but feel.
And so there I was at Trader Joe’s food market, innocently trying to procure my organic chicken tenderloins whilst being squeezed by a stroller on my right and a mother with quite the new baby in a sling on my left. A sweet, picturesque scene for some but a most injurious debacle for the infertility patient. The conversation between me and myself went something like this.
Higher self: Ok, now don’t DO anything. This is where you have to feel.
Self: Oh, Jesus Christ. All right.
And then I paused to feel. Sharp shooting paints ricocheted throughout my body as my insides felt like they were being disintegrated by high heat and my soul wanted to run and hide.
Self: Hello?? Ok, I’m done. I felt my feeling. It was HORRIBLE by the way. So. Now what do I do?
Higher Self: Well, you simply keep doing that. Feeling.
Self: Whaat? This stinks!! I really have no idea what kind of an idiot would sign up for THAT. Got any other bright ideas while you’re at it??
And with that, I finished my shopping, went to stand in line only to be joined behind me by a mom and her two young kids (great, MORE feelings), and stomped out of Trader Joe’s in a huff, hard earned organic chicken tenderloins in tow. [Read more…]